那就分手吧, 再爱都无须挣扎 - 动力火车

My eyes are so stingily painful and swollen now; I have never seen my double eyelids so pronounced.-muse-

It has not been easy for me as much as you may choose to say,"It's all your doings."

Indeed it is but it is not an easy one for me. If I haven't treasured enough, I wouldn't have took so long to come to this decision.

I cannot stop crying at all. The moment my eyes are open, my senses are awake, my tears come streaming down.

I don't remember anyone other than my family (whom also never get to see it nowadays) and Jason, seeing me crying. Especially not ever since I've grown up. No matter how sad I can be, my tears are never easily seen. This is not uncommon of cos but I also had not remember feeling the way I feel today.

Today...The tears seem to carry a different meaning altogether.

Dear friends...

Today onwards...Jason and I are officially not a couple anymore.

I hope I haven't been making this period of time (I know that's a hell long of a period) difficult for all of you who care.

I feel terribly sorry and thankful though...Especially to Von. Though I know of all people, she can't stand the way I handled my situation. Sorry ;p.

I really do not know how to start this, how to explain this, how to relate this.

I only know that I can't stop crying and I wonder how to reduce the swelling before my parents come home and would I go blind?

As much as I do not feel like accounting the whole thing but I guess I have to. (I figure if I don't do so here, I would be force to do it verbally which gonna suck for me.)

Ok..here goes.

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You see, other than Irene & Jimmy who are blissfully married now, Jason and I are the longest surviving couple among the group of people I know.

He was my first official boyfriend and we kinda did a good job of maintaining the way we are as a couple.

I guess our relationship breaks down cos' we couldn't get it started anymore. Not now.

I really do not have the courage to start it all over again just like that and do not have the confident not to hurt him or not feel hurt by him.

We had this decision around 1 year plus back but didn't have courage and will to execute it. Maybe it still wasn't meant to be then.

We spent a long time sitting outside Potong Pasir McDonalds, witnessing the skies changed its colours, the clouds moving freely, the chilly January wind blowing in our bones.

I tried to be angry. I pushed what I have not been getting from him, my emptiness to him. As if anger would do a better substitution for sadness, I wanna be angry.

Perhaps by pouring all these out, I would be justified.

I said alot of stuff and his 1-2 words questions seem to retaliate well enough too.

If you think by just breaking off is easy, it is not.

Jason and I are not a new couple. We were there in each other lives for the past 5 years and though 5 years is not an exact lengthy amount but it is enough, longer than most of yours.

It is neither the case that we have stop loving each other nor we have found someone else altogether.

"So why break?"

When 2 persons chose to part, it doesn't have to be the case of the above mentioned.

At this point of time, I am not confident enough to carry on.

What if I carry on but hurt him again? Would I be confident to really accept things as it is? Would I be able to brush off the empty feelings that Jason can't give me.

Our relationship has a knot or a few, would it be good to just carry on like this?

Yet it is very difficult to part like this. It is easier to part when you kinda hate that one person at that point of time. But we never hate each other.

I would just hate to see him hurt and pretending it hasn't matter for him as long as I am with him.

Instead we come to this decision. Even though I was the one who suggested it but I never think it would be so painful to do it.

I really never think so. I am very afraid but since I chose this, I must stick to it,isn't it?

I thought it was June 19th 2003 or was it 2002? that we started this relationship though officially began in June 23rd . But Jason said June 21st and June 21st it shall be.

From now till June 21st 2009, I wanted Jason to learn to have abit of time for himself, find who he was instead of just burying himself into work. I know I had taken alot from him for the past 5 years but it would be a good time to see if he would be happier eventually without me.

From now till June 21st 2009, Jason wanted me to find someone else who is worth my time, who would listen to me and I would be able to talk to, and try to open myself up, fall in love.

He had wanted me to be careful on my own as well. He has been taking care of me for the past 5 years and if I were to be on my own, I have to be careful.

He also said if I think I have found someone worthy and wanted to date, I could go ahead. I could even talk to him and let him know what kinda person that guy would be.

And if he found someone else, another girl perhaps, he would expect me to be able to do the same for him.

And till June 21st 2009, if we still have heart for each other, I guess nothing should do us part again.

If you think it is not that bad, in a way it is. But the thought is very crushing. I wanted so badly to say no to all those crazy propositions, I don't want and don't dare to find someone else and I don't want Jason to find someone else.

"So why do you still wanna do that?"

Because I really love this guy but so many things that happened, we are not as happy as we were. In a way, you can say we had lost each other to time.

I do not really think we would be happy just going back to each other's arms again.

We need time to find what was lost and find would it be better apart than together?

This is a wager. It's not a winning of 50-50 that we would be together or not by the end of it.

Either or both of us would perhaps find someone new to start with.

Either or both of us would perhaps find it better to be friends than couple at the end of it.

From now till June 21st feels like a long time. I couldn't help to feel scare of the many possibilities that would happen during this period of 6 months.

I pleaded with Jason, asking if we could still go out, would he still call/sms me?

He said we could but I know the moment today starts, I would no longer be a priority.

As much as I am afraid, I thought I could only force myself to stick to this. I don't wanna make it more difficult for Jason anymore.

Maybe it seems pretty much comical to you. Maybe you think I ask for it and in a way, I thought so too.

Either way, this seems to be fated.

Now I am only afraid of losing what I was given all along and I know I would only have myself to blame anyway.

But I want Jason to be happy. Perhaps he would be happier without me eventually and if by June 21st, we can't go back to where we are...I guess this is it.

If you happen to see me anytime soon, don't expect me to relate all this to you again. I think you would understand.

黑夜渗透了想念

偷不走微光闪现的千种画面

我背着伤痛离开

孤单拖着记忆支离破碎欣:

原以为不会改变

眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉

我的心挣脱了爱

跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争

现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛

我有我的过错

我有我的疑惑

藏在面对面的折磨背后

为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空

随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落

慢慢远离的梦

渐渐冷却冰封

心痛都当初相遇的心动

-刘畊宏&许慧欣 - 心动心痛